I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
