my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
