she woke up with a sticky ear
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
PANTIES FOUND
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