Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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