I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
