Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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