Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Randomize
