I'd wear matching sweaters with you
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
