i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
