Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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