Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
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You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
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I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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