It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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