WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
