I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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