dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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