She is in my trunk
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
