tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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