Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
