No stitches, just platelets and will power
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
