either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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