Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
