We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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