Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
