I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
