he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
