It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
