if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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