god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
