I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
