I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
