I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
