Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
where are my eyebrows?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
