Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
