Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
