sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
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We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
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She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
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