girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
