Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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