So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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