i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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