What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
