I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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