I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize