OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm just crazy horny about you
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
