A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
