I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
