You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my being single is dangerous.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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