theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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