he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
BRING THE BAGELS
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
