Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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