I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
