Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
