so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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