Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
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But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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