I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
